omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
