who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
