my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
