You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
