im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
