drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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