: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
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