I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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