Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
