Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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