i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
