I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Randomize
