In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
