I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
