I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
