i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
