He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
