we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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