remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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