I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize