Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
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