I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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