My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
