All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
