does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
