also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize