nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
