Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
