why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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