farters have to be the big spoon...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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