just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
