There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
