my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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