Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
