they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
