the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
