I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
