Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
