My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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