Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
