i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize