evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
