Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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