I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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