Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
