Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So vagazzling was a success
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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