Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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