Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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