So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
