New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
