I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
