now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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