Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize