I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
