How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
