i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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