I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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