I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
